Reblog if today is not your birthday.
spoken-not-written: themockingjayd12: Merry Unbirthday, to you all! Happy Unbirthday dear Tumblr nation
An old Japanese myth says that if you shut the...
westbor0baptistchurch: zackisontumblr: so this blog just started following me
Teacher: Name one life-changing event
Me: Finding out about alt+reblog
*Mom hands me phone to answer*
Telemarketer: Hello, is your mother home?
Me: I have no mother.
Her: Well can I speak to your father?
Me: Yeah, which one?
Her: Which one is home?
Me: Well they're both home..but I don't think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a breakup with his boyfriend, Antonio.
Her: Oh, so your fathers' names are Carlos and Antonio?
Me: No, no! My fathers' names are Carlos and Mark.
Her: So who's Antonio?
Me: I just told you, Carlos's ex.
Her: So Carlos was cheating?
Me: Yes, but that's only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.
Her: So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?
Me: No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.
Her: So Mark wasn't cheating?
Me: I never said that.
Her: Yes, yes you did!
Me: No I didn't.
Her: Y-yes! You did!
Me: Did what?
Her: Y-you- Never mind have a nice day, goodbye.
how do some people describe how they’re feeling so easily i can’t even order mcdonalds without fucking up
Mom: “You’re the only teenager that spends their...
How rape trials should go:
Lawyer: Did he rape her?
Witness: Yes, but she was drunk and passed out.
Lawyer: That's not what I asked. Did he rape her?
Witness: Yes, but she was wearin-
Lawyer: I didn't ask what she was wearing. Did he rape her?
Witness: Yes, but-
Lawyer: I didn't ask anything else. It's just a simple yes or no answer. Did he rape her?
Laywer: Yes, he raped her.
Rape is rape is rape, no matter the context.
When I haven't seen my best friend in a while: